KJ - Asked a Sexpert!
I've always wanted my husband (of 17 years) to
dominate me but he always said no, it's abusive and refused to learn more.
Recently, he asked me to spank him and before I knew it, I was dominating him!
I feel hurt and let down. I don't know how to bring it up with him. If he needs
this from me, shouldn't I just do it? I didn't enjoy it, but it didn't hurt me
in any way. Any advice?
I'm a married, bisexual between the ages of 36-45. I'm a high school graduate. I'm pretty sexually active/experienced. I'm just beginning to explore the 'fetish' lifestyle
Thank you for your time!! KJ
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Dear KJ,
Thank you so much for
writing. Believe it or not, this is not an uncommon situation in couples
experimenting with the lifestyle, so I hope that this will help a lot of
people.
We all have needs, wants and
desires and it's frustrating when they aren't met. Before I make suggestions of
ways of approaching this situation, consider this:
1. Your hubby was honest with you about his
beliefs. With those beliefs intact, he TRUSTED you enough to make his request
and risk being rejected and shamed. Men in this society get a bad rap when they
place themselves as a bottom (note I'm not using the term submissive).
Sometimes even the strongest guy will want the chance to let go of his 'adult'
responsibilities, decision making, etc. and be taken care of. When I'm in my
Domme, my gentlemen are hard workers with worries and concerns and need to be
given a chance to 'go away' for a while. It doesn't make them weak or
submissive, but society pins that label on them. There's also the chance that
hubby had no idea how to do it and felt uncomfortable because of his lack of
education. Case and Point- how many men will stop and ask for directions?
2. I'm not certain if you were topping him vs.
dominating. Let me explain—it's the old saying that all thumbs are fingers, but
not all fingers are thumbs. Likewise,
all dominants are tops, but not all tops are dominant. By taking the position as
a top, you provided him with the opportunity to satisfy his curiosity, teach
him that his beliefs were not wrong, and open the door to communication. That
was a HUGE step forward for you guys.
3. Liking or not liking- that's a hard one
because people are so different. I think we've all done things we don't like to
make someone we love to feel happy. As long as that's reciprocated, it makes
for a healthy relationship. Think of it as removing a deep splinter—you might
not enjoy hurting him (not harming), but helped build something in your
relationship that neither of you might see yet. Let it empower you. The
strongest women make some of the greatest submissives.
What to try:
1. The feelings you are experiencing are
valid. So are his. He obviously loves you and would never want to hurt you. So,
in your next conversation with him, begin by thanking him for trusting you and
that you hoped you pleased him. Then ask him how he felt about it, why he liked
(or didn't) like it, and does he want to try it again? Has his thought process
changed at all? If he's opening up, you can ask him what made him believe it's
abusive. Let him talk and be careful to keep your questions open to learning
about his mindset. You don't want him to shut down.
2. Once that conversation happens, then you
can approach him with more questions—this time about you. Type of questions?
Start with something like 'can I go next?'.
If you have to, start by playing. Tease him, wiggle, do something
naughty that you know will make him frown (but not get angry). Give him
permission through your actions, not words. Men tend to be visual more than
listeners—think of sports, TV, video games, etc. If we want them to understand
us, then we need to learn to speak their language.
3. WHEN he's ready to try it, be excited.
Thank him, kiss him, tell him that he makes you feel special and that you trust
him as much as he trusted you. Those things will be encouraging. Setting a safe
word or gesture that would signal him to stop momentarily will give him a sense
of safety. Talk about what's happening—that can even include asking him to
lighten up a bit or even go a little harder. Give him the chance to build his
confidence and eventually experiment.
Healthy relationships require
ongoing and open communication, and spicing up the relationship (like cooking)
might take some time and practice. Learn how to laugh when the experiment slips
a bit, and start by making it fun. Pick up a spanking romance book and, if he
won't read it with you, sit next to him in bed while reading it and either
giggle or start reaching. He IS going to be curious and eventually respond.
Wishing you the very best and
please let us at Kinky Literature know how things go!
LUV = Listen, Understand,
Validate
Bree +Breanna Hayse
