Reader - Asked A Sexpert
Question?
How is
a submissive of my age to find a Dom? I am a widow. I have a new girlfriend who
wants to give me what I want but has never explored link but has always been
curious. I need more than she knows how to give without having to give directions.
What do we do?
Dear
Reader,
You are very fortunate to have a partner who is so open. Are you/she interested in her learning how to step into the realm of Domme or are you wanting to go outside the relationship and seek a Dom (male counterpart)?
1. The biggest complaints from a submissive is that the Domme/Dom can’t read our minds. I’m as guilty as the rest in that department! The first step is communication—be open and honest as you can. Find out what she is willing and comfortable to explored and, if that’s something you’d like, go for it. The more she exercises her Domliness, the more confident she will feel. The more confident she becomes, the more willing she'll be to help you push whatever limits you might have. Just remember that limits DO go both ways. There's a fine line in some areas that we have to accept and respect (i.e. more dangerous play). In that case, it might be a good idea for you two to seek out a legitimate club that provides education and training under the eyes if seasoned professionals. Parties and munches aren't going to provide you with the depth of training she might want, and that will include developing her intuition.
2. I always recommend the old standby of enticing or encouraging a partner who is new in the scene is to use books by authors who honestly live the lifestyle. (I don't recommend films as a teaching tool - they are scripted, professional 'pain' princesses and, while enjoyable and arousing, don't teach the hows and whys). Even in fiction, you will be able to pick up the feel and direction of someone who understands the mentality and can accurately illustrate the progression. Look at it like this—if you wanted to learn to cook, would you go to someone who knows her way around a kitchen or someone whose primarily skill is marking reservations?
3. If there is something in particular that you want, that’s another way to approach it without having to make a demand. Again, books are great in communicating desires without having to blurt it out. (I take a picture of a page, print it out, highlight the passage and leave it where my husband will be sure to find it—wrapped around his remote control.) Just remember to present it in a way that's not confrontational and give your partner a chance to work through the thought and honestly express their feelings. As long as you keep it safe, sane and consensual, you should find your world opening to new, and incredibly exciting, things.
4. Finally, finding a Dom. If indeed you are seeking a DS relationship outside of your present one, and you value your relationship with your girlfriend, be honest. Don't insult her and tell her she's not cutting it. Instead, express the concern that you don't want to cause HER pain by making her do something that she isn't comfortable with. Include her, if you can, in what you're doing to avoid jealousy or suspicion. A good Dom will instruct a newbie.
5. But how to find him? That's the tough part. Honestly, the majority of peeps I've met on dating sites like Fetlife are interested in kinky sex, not the dynamic of trust, love, nurturing and commitment to the lifestyle. Attend Munches, check out the local club, and take your time in getting to know him. Interview him. Ask for references if he claims to be a pro. Find out where he was taught and who holds him accountable. If you are asked for pictures of you naked or are given commands before you develop a relationship with him, walk away. A service Dom is there to teach and rarely engages in sexual activity unless he's committed.
6. If you do decide to meet with someone after you’ve spoken on the phone, skyped, etc., then be certain to meet in a neutral location just to have face to face. Trust your instincts. Be certain to leave your location, a number that you can be reached, and a designated time of your return. A real Dom will not only insist on these safety measures but will ensure you follow through with them.
I hope this helps. Please let us know how things progress, okay? And thank you again for writing.
LUV = (Listen, Understand, and Validate)
Bree +Breanna Hayse
